Monday, February 21, 2011

Living in the now...

I find this to be virtually impossible for me.  My mind always drifts to the future of what if's.   Things I should be doing but am not, or things I should have done, but did not.   I hate the fact my husband has this amazing gift of simply not worrying.  I let him know of my hatred of his ability all the time.  He can honestly close his eyes and go to sleep when he is stressed.  He tells me why worry about things you cannot change...and the thing that blows my mind the most...he can do that.  Simply, not worry.  I wish I had a smidge of his ability...instead I have inherited my mothers worrying genes.   So come a night when I am stressed...I toss and turn and rethink conversations.  Devise plans for a happy ending, and weigh outcomes.

My little guy woke in the BEST mood.  He has been giving me kisses all morning long.  I love it.  He has giggled, yelled and smiled all morning.  He announced this morning NO towards the end of his breakfast.  He was done.  I countered his no with yes, and the war of no and yes began.  It ended with one more spoon full of food :)

Raising boys...that turn into men.  It's a challenge.  To be honest I always envisioned my house full of girls.  But alas, I have two boys.  It's funny how life plays out.  I love my boys and in a weird way it makes me feel like a stronger woman.  I want my boys to grow to be gentle kind men.   Strong in their convictions, but kind with their hearts.  I want to instill all these views of life, women, respect and moral code into them.  I feel so blessed to have the partner that I have.  He's a great display of a true man.  It's funny because I never thought having boys would make me a stronger woman, but it has.  You want them to see a strong woman and know what true strength and courage is.  I also, want them to know how to treat a strong woman.  Not hide her away in a house only to be brought out for display. I want them to seek out a strong partner and support that partner and along with them having enough self esteem to expect and have the same support given back to them. To seek out a healthy relationship, but have enough drive that is not all that they seek.  To challenge life.  I wish nothing but happiness for my boys.  

I feel like a recovering alcoholic.  I have slipped.  I had a coffee and diet coke this weekend.  I feel like I've been on a binge...heheheheheee.  My friend laughed at me and told me I was slipping.  She said this in one breath and left a diet dr. pepper in my fridge in another.  It has been calling my name and I might partake in a glass later : )

I need to clean my house.  I'm just not feeling it.  I also need to plan my gaga outfit.  I'm not feeling that as well.  It's like seeing certain aspects of life put into different a perspective and things that are really important at one not seem as important at another time. 

I need to get my sh*t together with my mag.  I have all the stuff, ideas, concepts, hell even a website...but I have this mental block of actual energy to make it happen.  That's my own private war on laziness.  Hopefully, one day I'll beat it. heh.

I'm in a weird, introspective mood today.  I blame aunt flo.  But I've been thinking about things and I'm just really grateful for my life.  I have been blessed.  I have an amazing hubby and two wonderful healthy kids.  My husband just called with news that a fellow colleague lost his baby just a few days before the due date.  I hate hearing that news.  This only makes me want to take care of my friend even more.  I really hate her husband for doing this to her.  Very few people I truly have hate towards.  But how a person can be so selfish in beyond me. 

I cannot end on a negative I am happy to announce my search for bedding may have ended.  Totally a pointless comment.  But it's the little things that make me happy.  Target got in some new gray bedding that I adore.  So I think once we get paid I will pick it up.   I think I will be painting my bed and bathroom.  I need a pick me up and a change. to start the day...and grab a glass of that diet dr. pepper. 

Hug and love the special people in your life : )

No comments: