...I think...I sold out...

Have you ever had that aha moment when you look around at your life and realize...you sold out?  What happened to the punk rock mama that used to consume me?  What happened to my screw the world mentality and riot girl inner sinew?  It's still there and days like this it's yearning to break free.  I'm surrounded in boring colorless suburbia.  Where the yards are all perfectly manicured (minus ours) and the houses are all cookie cutter delight.  I'm screaming inside to play loud music all day and get lost amid my paint brushes.  I have not painted in years.  Ok, let me rephrase that, a canvas in years.  I've painted more walls than my eyes wish to have seen. I cannot remember the last time I went out to take photos for fun, not work. I feel odd and peculiar.  I don't belong here.  I have weeded through the boring soccer moms searching for other artist to befriend.  I've made some awesome friends living where I do...but my heart yearns for more art and music.  Don't get me wrong, I feel beyond blessed to have the house, and safe neighborhood that I do.  I love that my son goes to a great school, and doesn't have to sift through crack needles at his playground.  But days like this...I miss the old me.  The me that wore what she wanted, had three different shades of hair and oozed art out of every pore of her body. It wasn't a "phase"...I was a free spirit. I still am to some degree...but one that has two babies and a husband by her side. Today, I have yoga pants on and my hair is tied up in a ponytail. Really?  The old me would have flicked me in the forehead and told me to get a clue. I'm the shadow of sparkle I used to be.  Kinda, depressing one could say.   But I guess, the sparkle is still there, I just need to unleash it once and awhile.  So, I shall declare today to be punk rock girl day!!!  I'll sift through some old songs, blast them on the computer with my toddler and dance to our hearts are content.  Maybe while he naps away I'll sketch something, or work on that novel I always promise myself to write. Maybe...